I can have the ability to have emotional attachment but respect that we don’t have to be in a relationship. I can just enjoy someone as a person a lot; intensely. The more people that reject me for that reason makes me insecure about who I am, but also on a physical level that I’m not attractive enough superficially to make them stay. I’ve met a lot of charismatic, unique people who I would have felt honored to get to know more about. On a physical level though they’ve much had their fill of me. I on the other hand have not had a fill of myself or of life.
I fill my life with a busy schedule at home, with friends, and especially with work. Doing this keeps me distracted from the remorse I feel allowing someone I loved and trusted to steer me into a financial crisis I’ve kept myself busy trying to the best of my ability to resolve.
Stressful? Yes, however, the support I receive I use to improve not to remain stuck. Like emotional growth I know my finances will heal with time. Having a busy social life helps me to forget the loneliness I feel from losing a loved one. Though, I am surrounded by amazing friends and relatives, I long for a connection on a deeper level; a level I can feel in a way that is uniquely satisfying.
I long for warmth of another body near mine. A deeper laugh than anyone can get from me which brings tears to my eyes. I long for gentle touches as well as firm when the occasion calls for it. Kissing more than just my cats.
I also long to keep my independence. I long to keep my secrets safe without the guilt of feeling terrible that I have them. I long to be exactly who I am and give absolutely 0 fucks if it offends or distastes whoever can’t handle the beautiful foul-mouthed woman I am; dry humor, teasing, and all.
I love not having to be deceived into believing I can trust someone with my secrets, guilt, foulness, cruelty, dry humor, and teasing. I don’t have to be told that I will be accepted being my true self just to be scorned entirely. I have the freedom of being me without the emotional attachment of another person being a part of who I am; a big part. Yet I long for that all the same; the late-night fighting, the misunderstandings, the disagreed agreements.
Keeping myself busy doesn’t just distract me from the good parts that I can find anywhere else. It also distracts me from the real deeper emotions and battles that every human goes through with themselves, with their relatives, friends, and intimacies.
Keeping myself social I’m reminded of the friends and relatives I’ve stuck around for and that have stuck around for me throughout battles of our own. Working three minimum wage jobs reminds me of the love I have for myself. It reminds me that I’ve stuck to the things I really enjoy despite the battles I’ve had with myself or my finances.
The need to connect to a mate emotionally without it becoming exclusive comes from the desire to want a partner that will stick around regardless of the good and bad, like my family and friends have; someone who can be patient with the deeper issues I battle with. This includes my recent fear of being in a relationship again. It also includes the battles I had to face to find balance with my mental and emotional health that came at the high cost of losing a loved one.
The balance of life; my desire to be physically, spiritually, and emotionally balanced. Not too deep in these aspects with someone that I lose balance of them with myself, loved ones, essential elements of life, but also not as shallow as dating is like in my culture right now. A satisfactory in between; balance.
One day I’m sure I’ll be ready for those depths again, but my lungs are still gasping for breath from my previous encounter with drowning in love. Oh, how I’ve always had such an admiration for the versatility of water.
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