My 20s were as tough as my teens were. There were still so many "growing pains." Unfortunately, I didn't grow passed 5'1", but I grew up. Not the kind of growing up you think happens when you turn 18, the kind that happens when you're figuring out what it actually means to be grown.
For me, that was jumping into the world too quickly before I had any idea of what the actual fuck was out there. I honestly didnt even fully know who I was on my own. I was so codependent and devoted to my family, to my longterm friendships, and to my relationships that I had never truly known the meaning of myself.
As a child you make so many friends, so quickly in passing, and when you become a teenager, you become pickier about where your loyalties should lie. Everyone really leaves the nest, goes onto different things, and drifts away following 18. It's a blessing I have so many people in my life whom I made it to my thirties so completely happy to have kept close. For those of us who grew apart, I felt that pain through my twenties the most.
I moved so many times that I'm physically exhausted from moving to this day. I had no idea what I wanted to do for work in my life to support myself and survive. In my twenties, I had to learn that my financial journey does not define my value as a human. In fact, my creative ambition is far more important to me. I felt the pain of this economy in my twenties and am still exhausted from that too. Also 2020, was that even real life?
I truly learned what anxiety and depression were in my twenties, I learned there were places I never ever wanted to journey back to; mostly figurative places. Still, facing my anxiety I traveled overseas to beautiful, memorable cities. Facing my depression I learned there are so many adventures to look forward to rather than dwelling on the moments I could have frozen in time.
My twenties I learned to be strong, I grew out of bad habits. I found lightness in plenty of darkness. I found insight to who I am and how I wish to exist in this world. It's incredibly painful times you have no idea your place. I felt that confusion in my twenties.
I felt growing pains in my twenties when for the first time in my life, I grieved. I had never before been forced to live the rest of my life without someone I love existing in it. My twenties brought me that, however, I gained so many amazing, strong, caring, and loving people along the way.
I lived it up too. I spent more than I earned, I partied, I binged, I burnt the candle at both the ends, but I learned to do better and be better. Im actually still working on that one. Still, I have far more self control.
I need sunlight, I need water, I need laughter, I need rest. "I need to pick myself up when I am down. I need to indulge, I need to discipline myself, I need to learn, I need to be mindless, I need to relax, I need to work hard. I need to take care of myself. I need to connect with myself on a deeper level and tell myself it is okay. You are okay. It will be okay.." Resolution by Bruja Moderna
The biggest growing pain I endured in my twenties was learning to love myself when I felt like I had never known how to before in my life. It was the hardest part because that was the turning point in the most impactful romantic relationship I ever had. Each day in the heartache that followed, I had to remind myself what it was for, and keep convincing myself that it was worth it; that I am worth it.
Eventually in my twenties I developed a healthy sense of self worth, concsiousness, and self awareness. I hope that sets the standard for how I deserve to be loved in return should my thirties lead to new flames. I barely recognize that rambunctious, gorgeous, confused naive girl anymore. I can't believe how much she's grown.
P.S. she's still rambunctious though.
Sincerely Dirty 30.
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