This entry was originally written in 2019. Pulled from my personal journal, it has been reviewed and edited for publishing this year, 2024. I usually title entries based on things I value in my life at the time. Since the theme of this entry is about love, I decided to title it after a charming cafe I was recently introduced to called Feellove Coffee.
I was different before my heart was broken. I feel liberated from who that girl was. I'm still the same hopeless romantic, and always will be a hopeless romantic. I'm still the same in many ways, but I'm stronger. My wounds are healing. Many are healed. I feel more able to face the world and offer what I've learned from that heartache. I wouldn't be who I am without having gone through that pain. I feel grateful for the life I still have to live with the new outlook I've gained to live it.
When things aren't what you were expecting, be accepting rather than discouraged. Be adaptable. Love the things you love excessively until you've grown and no longer do. Love with intensity so that when you look back at the things you once wanted that didn't work out, and that probably left you wounded, you will know it wasn't because you didn't try; it's because other, bigger, greater things are awaiting your efforts to become success.
Be patient when progress is slow. Your efforts are not for nothing. When you know you're doing your absolute best, you can be proud of those efforts despite the results. When you blame the universe for not rewarding you, remember the universe did give you the tools you need to succeed. You just need to realize what those tools are, use them, and thrive. It's because so few realize their tools and neglect to use them to build a strong relationship with themselves that when we aren't receiving love healthily, we question our value. It hurts our inner child.
Animals in nature are not meant to be coddled their entire existence. Humans, though, will crave love and nurture despite having left the nest early on. We depend on healthy relationships to thrive and get our source of love through those bonds. I believe that's what reassures our self worth when we haven't learned to find that value on our own. Things become shaken when those relationships betray us. Heartbreak is not exclusive to romantic relationships, but happens with others as well.
When my heart has been broken by those bonds, I have an incredibly difficult time distancing myself from them. That may never change about me, but I have grown having been forced to fulfill my needs and fill those voids on my own. I do believe some bonds are meant to last our whole lives despite their betrayals to us. Family, in my instance, is an example of that, however, forgiveness and redemption absolutely have to be present in order for those relationships to ensue.
Still, it is my choice to give my love where I decide to give it. I understand now that I am free to love who I want, whether or not that fully satisfies my needs. The choice is mine alone. We don't always choose our feelings, but we can choose what we do with them. While admittedly it makes us strong to love it also makes us incredibly vulnerable.
We can't control when people leave our lives by choice. Unfortunately there are even times when loved ones are taken from our lives. If it was their choice know that as much as it seems like they didn't hurt choosing to leave your life or distance themselves from you, it's because they were hurting or unwell that they left. Understand, you may not even have been the sole cause to their pain or a cause to it at all.
When you lose a loved one, it's painful because those feelings are real and our inner child is built to believe that it was internally our fault. Try not to bear that weight on your shoulders. People respond, react, or make the choices they do because of who they are, not because of who you are. It doesn't truly have to do with who you are, they have their own belief system and moral code. It wasn't because your own was flawed or ceased to exist.
When you're hurting from the loss of a loved one, it's okay that you still love them. Don't try to force them back into your life, though. If or when they're ready they'll return. When you're ready to outgrow them instead, you will. Remember it is okay to love from a distance. I believe love has no capacity, so there is no reason to reserve your love for only one person.
Love who you want when you can, and for as long as you're able to even if they're no longer in your life. Love them. Put your needs and yourself first. Put the ones who actively choose to be in your life and support you second. Cherish them because you never know if they'll be in your life for good, or not. You never know if they'll stay by your side for the rest of your life. Love like you're afraid to lose them before you loved them to the best of your ability. Third, love from a far when you aren't ready to let go after they're gone.
When you learn that self love should be a constant not a variable, then choose to extend that beyond yourself to the people and things that you love. Love doesn't cease to exist when the faces and names of what and who you love changes. It doesn't have to cease to exist when people are no longer around or active in your life.
Never envy the love of others. Your value isn't defined by other peoples' thoughts, choices, feelings, or actions. You and you alone decide your value. Love yourself deeply to learn your value. You are alive which is value alone. When you Feellove in whatever form it may be, embrace it, even if you have to love from a far.
It isn't up to you to decide who or how others love, only how you choose to love.
Should loved ones return seeking forgiveness, "forgiveness is warm like a tear on a cheek." The Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson. Still, don't force yourself more love than you're capable of giving them. Be clear that though you may still care, what kind of love you are able to offer, and how much. In the end that may mean you choose to love them from a distance to better your health. Despite if that may hurt them, their pain is not your fault, not truly. Their healing is not your responsibility.
I don't want to be afraid of getting hurt by sharing pieces of who I am. I hope I can learn to be open. I hope I can learn to be brave. I don't want to be afraid to trust, but I do want to have boundaries. I don't want to live my life afraid that love won't be reciprocated. It doesn't at all make me weak when I give my love freely knowing it is not reciprocated. It makes me strong giving love even when only hate is reflected back. I am strong because I understand it is easy for me to give love even though it may disappoint me sometimes, as would any and all relationships. In the end the universe gave me the tools to love and take care of myself if I do get hurt.
When life or my relationships let me down I remember the love I have for myself is still more than enough to keep going. I measure that knowing I have a lot of love to offer so with loving myself, I know I am in good hands.
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