I published my first blog post in 2019 which was titled 'New Years Day'. I'm far from the same person who, in 2018, was enduring the commencement of an incredibly painful divorce and healing from the events that proceeded it. Reflecting on what I wrote in the midst of that pain and confusion, I still feel so much value and strength in what I had to share. The following is a revised version meant to highlight what I feel definitive to live by to this day, despite the time, growth, and change, that ensued.
I've been told it is important to love yourself before you love a partner. I struggled with this since elementary school. As silly as it is to be five years old and jealous of the relationship your best friend has with a boy, my desire to be wanted was always embedded in the fibers of who I am.
It continued when I noticed that my body type was far different than any of my friends growing up; when I noticed I had always been peculiar; it continued when I noticed that I was unique, as well as, when I noticed I wasn’t the only contender who was unique; I noticed it when I started having insecurities. As a woman, I realize how silly it was for me to want love so young. Still, I naturally always did.
During my adolescence, I would try to make sense of how so many girls were already dating, while I had so much trouble simply fitting in. I blamed it on who I am and shied away from authenticity. Even now, in 2024, I catch myself wanting to water down parts of myself, out of fear of being rejected. Only recently have I come to learn to define such feelings as rejection sensitivity.
My mother, however, always reminded me of my beauty. I always doubted. “You have to say things like that because you’re my mom.” Still for years, I remained perceptibly undesirable. I surrounded myself with plenty of friends. I continued to peruse things I loved. I built my own world; in my journals; in my room; in my mind. I wasn't afraid to let those I loved in. I desired most to be loved not for the pieces that made me who I am, but for the entirety of it.
I was also reluctant to believe when my mother would say things like, “They’re just too intimidated by you.” or “Someone out there has had their eye on you this whole time, you just don’t know it.” Then along he came, the one she foretold. Despite the genuineness in the eight year relationship that followed, it was myself that I still struggled to love. Our time together was wonderful, but we had so much self growth yet to experience.
I learned how normal it is in nature to seek validation through attention or attraction of others. Not having much experience with dating, I used observation of others' relationships as an example. I'd known plenty of individuals who'd indulge in their infatuations, fracturing their relationships. Still, having understood the stigma, I chose to tuck my trivial feelings away in hopes they'd vanish on their own. I believed that would be enough since I never had intention or interest to act on them anyway.
A Christian upbringing probably contributed to the guilt I felt for desiring answers outside of my societal normative relationship. In feeling that guilt it contributed to my self loath. Since unconventional relationships were becoming more common, I considered what harm could come of seeking absolution from confiding in my partner. I had believed we were stronger together than I ever was on my own, and that my devotion was absolute. I knew my dedication, I knew my intentions were honest, and I knew I did not deserve any of what followed.
We did try, yet we did not succeed. I was tormented into believing all of this was the sole cause of our demise. The truth is it wasn’t the result of anything I had done wrong, it was the result of what I began to do right for myself. "This is who I am," I told my then husband following the lowest point our relationship had ever reached, "and if you can't accept that, we need to accept that we probably shouldn't be together."
After we separated, the veil of life as I had known it dissipated. I was no longer the girl of 15 years old who had gone into the relationship. I noticed the young woman I had become. I was realizing in the 23rd year of my life that no ones’ validation would ever be enough if I didn’t start believing that I am enough. That was the only validation I ever truly needed, but striving for that proved to be daunting now that I was single for the first time in my adult life.
Dating was an experience I had never known. I eventually learned that going on dates shouldn’t imply that I am only looking to satisfy my physical cravings. If I am looking for more, that doesn't necessarily mean I am looking for a relationship either. In the progressive world we live in, two people should be capable of maintaining stimulating conversations, not solely stimulating positions.
Still that is my wish; to find companionship between the lines of a distinctly physical relationship, and between a deeply emotional one. It's my belief that would be a spiritual connection; one that shares mutual closeness beyond the realm of the body and emotion. Rather, it would be insightful, undogmatic, and intuitive. I have only met one person who I was able to stand that middle ground with.
Following his influence, I learned that it is normal for women to have physical needs. I learned that it is perfectly fine for women to fulfill those needs without being shamed for them. I learned that there is absolutely no requirement to fulfill those needs in order to be valued. I learned to never base your value on anyone who wants less than your worth. Above all, I learned how a woman in my situation who isn't ready, or sure of being in a serious setting, should be treated if she's still dating for the company too and not just the attraction.
In time, I realized my self worth. I learned that I need to pick myself up when I am down. I need to indulge, I need to discipline myself, I need to learn, I need to be mindless, I need to relax, I need to work hard. I need to take care of myself. I need to connect with myself on a deeper level and tell myself it is okay. You are okay. It will be okay. I am strong enough as a single woman. I am as good of a woman as I see myself. No one else can justify that I am less or more than what I am. No one can justify what my imperfections are. I know that I am an imperfect human and so is everyone. I know that a perfect woman acknowledges that.
Since my sense of self worth was rooted vicariously through the eyes of my loved ones, I fought to change that. I confronted my demons as well as became friends with them. I remembered my angels and that regardless of my human desires I'm still whole hearted. I'd stayed true to my morals and beliefs. I'd stayed true to the things I most desired, I'd stayed true to many of the people and things that I loved. Perhaps I may at times be a little too conceited. I do my best to remain humble while also embracing my beauty. I remember that there is so much more to me to love than the superficial parts.
So to myself: in your time waiting to be ready to build something deeper with someone, build something deeper with yourself, with your dreams, with your life, with your talents. One day you will be wandering your potential so deeply you’ll look up from your journey and standing right in front of you will be a companion.
A friend once told me, “You shouldn’t go looking for something that is meant to find you.” Not included with that statement was what to do in the meantime. I came to realize the answer to that on my own. You just love yourself not for the pieces that make you who you are, but for the entirety of it.
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