Frozen in Time

Previously in my life, for anyone reading that doesn't know, I'm four years divorced. I've worked incredibly hard to support myself following my divorce. Trying to maintain autonomy while working through the challenges life brought following that was incredibly dismaying. Still, it shaped so much of the woman I am today. I've had few lovers, though, my love is hopeless, wild, and free. 

Part of the love I have so freely to give goes divided amongst all the friendships I've gained, family I keep up with, and children who's lives I've been blessed to be part of. Between working three jobs, commuting to multiple different cities, or even keeping up with friends who have moved away to better their own lives, there's an abundance of people I care for. 

I've devoted majority of my life to making a humble, fulfilling living as an artist. Naturally that brought upon even more challenges I'm still having to endure. Stubbornly, yet ambitiously, I maintain that direction while also working in hospitality to supplement the social, and personal life I've strived to love. Fortunately, I love to travel, so although at times the work is physically demanding, I'm happy to be in hospitality in the meantime.

That may seem like I have little time for a personal life. I am known to over socialize when trying to evade personal reflection and emotional processing, however, I do still have plenty of time for self care. I love taking baths by candlelight. I love all things fantasy or sci-fi television and movies. It's been a surprise to me, but over the last two years I've read the most books I've ever consecutively read in my life.

Certainly all those things were also done purposely to evade personal reflection and emotional processing. To keep me even more distracted from having to, I have two cats to accompany me. I like to think I'm their emotional support human even though I'm the one who's been in need of them.

Since turning 30 I've had severe writer's block. Not to say that I wasn't writing in my journal, but I've struggled finding themes to blog about that weren't ones I've already overused. I suppose, as time goes on those themes evolve into new stories, so perhaps, since I've met so many new people in my life the last few years, I've just been shy. 

Being spread as thin as I have, I've been floating through life as a social butterfly and workaholic. Maybe I've just felt incredibly uncertain of my direction then. Whatever the reason, I suppose the least I can do is share some of what I have written regardless if it was from my journal and not necessarily what I intended to share. 

Iron Mountain Hot Springs, Glenwood Springs, CO, August 2022

7/31/19

I've been here before, at different times. Life and love always finds a way. You held that so dearly to your heart that you made it through believing in it and yourself. Sometimes there's so much dust of everyday life you forget that in the end your time in this life is dust of the stars. 

9/15/22

I needed this night to remember how important it is for me to have a relationship with myself. These nights are so rare to come by where my life has landed. Nights like this remind me that I'm so loveable. The version of me where I would wonder how I could ever reach a point I feel empowered never could have imagined the journey it took me to get here. While I feel such fulfillment, I still have so much I have yet to achieve. Reflection has always been a big factor in progressing through life's challenges. 

Who I look at in the mirror and how I see that person is not what I'm referring to. What I mean is looking back on my life as the person I used to be when I imagined where my story would go.

Nights like these completely wash away the dust of every day life. I'm reminded of the lessons which brought me closure and peace. I'm reminded of the things I'm happy of in myself and the success, happiness, goodness, and love I have yet to achieve. There isn't exactly a formula, something to work infallibly, and self love definitely isn't a blanket statement for what would work for others. 

Life is ever changing and trying to force change from happening really just causes pain. Being where I am now is terrifying. There's so much I could regress, or lose. Reflecting on my life I've let a lot of change happen. Looking forward I know it isn't always that simple. Safe to say I'm enjoying this stability mentally while it lasts. I'm afraid to upset the balance. Maybe I'm just uncertain what is worth upsetting the balance for. 

10/2/22

I'm worried that an emotional connection, though, I desire one, would upset the love I have grown for myself. I'm absolutely afraid of toxicity and emotional poison.

10/5/22

I want and love so many things happening in my life right now. My dream job is in reach. God damn I have so much I'm eager to get out about the clarity I have. I feel so in tune with the universe even if I'm not on the brink of what the universe has in mind for me. I know in my heart there are great things ahead. People may not see it, but I am working hard. I'm stubborn and want to have it ALL. 

I want balance. I want love, deep true real love. I want to be humble. I want to be a good influence. I want to be funny, gorgeous, and good. I want the body. I want to revel in my talents despite the overwhelming potential I still have to grow into. I want to have the social life, the career, to be genuine all at the same time. 

I want to revel in the woman I am. I want to break hearts to get there because I also can't get there unless my heart has been broken. Without the pain, let downs, struggle, and raw real emotions; without the darkness sometimes the light doesn't shine as bright. I want my idea of perfect with the right amount of flaw. I believe I'll be tested and go through more challenges; many more. 

I'm far from whole or complete, but I'm so much closer than I've ever been. 

3/21/23

I've  been so distracted from things I love that I sometimes lose sight of what I'm working towards and capable of. 

4/19/23

[We] broke up. A wonderful mark on what I needed in my life and gone in an instant. too fast for me to grasp the lesson, or growth still needed for me to reach the point where I should never settle; the point where I'm enough. Not the kind of enough where I need to remember what it means to be alive, the kind of enough where I'm not "drunk on the idea that love, only love could heal our brokenness." F. Scott Fitzgerald. 

Love will always hurt at times and have the power to betray you. When you allow it to keep hurting you, it may cause you to reflect and emit that negativity back into the world. When there is hatred poisoning me, that's usually the only time I emit hatred into the world so as easier said than it is done, letting go of that toxicity is the path to healthy love. 

The truth is, two people living through impeccable love and goodness shouldn't hurt enough to walk away. If they do let them and if you need to go, then go. 

5/4/23

I believed that I had resolved or found a healthy lifestyle post divorce enough so that I would be alright having moved on. I believed I had developed enough of a view of self worth that should someone want to love me I could love them impeccably. 

A person I love told me recently they believe I am so aware of my self worth for my age translating to me that I understand my value enough not to settle. I've had a hard time believing that about myself and maybe I'm a fraud. Maybe my motto isn't really "keep on keeping on," but rather, "fake it until you make it," and translates to everyone that doesn't personally know me as "live, laugh, love." 

When there isn't a pen and paper in front of me and pain in my heart, I have so much trouble communicating. I overthink and feel insecure. Maybe I'm faking being okay after everything I've been through because that's what I want to be; is okay. 

I believed I had let go of enough ghosts to qualify for an unconditional real healthy relationship so in my new relationship, when I realized I was still stained from my past I didn't understand. The result was that I couldn't be relaxed in love. Alternatively he couldn't be relaxed in life the way I'd learned to be having gone through enough. He didn't want a marriage, but wanted many qualities of a wife. After already being married once I couldn't bend my morals for it despite my belief that sometimes it's worth changing for the one's we love. 

I fell so deeply in love again after my divorce with someone who knew his worth. Someone who despite my insecurities and red ledger chose to love and care about me in ways I never expected or asked of in a partner before. The idea of being with him because of that felt good, but we were so different. He was so right and I was so left. I was so hot and he was so cold.

After I lost my cousin who was like a brother to me, I hadn't cried so frequently for a while. I realized even more that I wasn't okay, or who I wanted to be for someone who loves me. I tried to break up with him to rebalance my life and initiated a break up many times. He always found a way to convince me that we were better together. My issues were 'small potatoes' in the scheme of deserving to be loved. I also loved that about him, but that was still a chapter that was short lived.

8/30/23

I don't much like to feel remorse, but I do feel regret. I'm not sure what part of who I am I should have compromised for my life to have turned out differently. I would have had to be any one else, but I wouldn't have been myself. I lose sight of love and life from time to time, but the least I can do is maintain my composure. Never have I ever lost sight of myself no matter how challenging things have gotten. 

One phrase I feel I've been playing on repeat has been: "We've got time," a quote I grew to love from the movie After, that evolved to one I would use for myself. "I've got time." I'm not going to stress over my 11th move the way I did my first. I stress about my love life more than I'd like. I just need to remember that I've got time and I'd rather get it right. I want to ease my way in because so many times the youth in me would jump and I still probably would too. If I must need time to dry off from my latest impulsive dive in infatuation, then "I've got time" to. 

With my last boyfriend I jumped. Then when it was over, I felt like I couldn't breath without him. Yet, here I am still breathing. He was warmth when I was so cold. He was tender loving and caring, but I'm an orchid. I'm difficult to care for unless in the correct environment. He wasn't the correct environment.

10/5/2023

I know my purpose isn't "just to love and be loved in return," Moulin Rouge, yet I'm still this person who feels in color, but cries in black and white.

Like we see stars in color, based on their radiation, the intensity of my emotions also burns holes right through the dark. Is that so wrong, feeling euphoric? "Characterized by or feeling intense excitement and happiness."

Like the black and white of pen to paper, ink to newspaper, or stillness of black and white vintage photography it's beautiful because the simplicity of moments, memories, and stories frozen in time without the need of oversaturation to tell the rest. Like a black and white film, there isn't need for color. Someone with such an emotional range crying is black and white enough.

Iron Mountain Hot Springs, Glenwood Springs, CO, August 2022

To Be Continued