I loved the boy from middle school who became my first male best friend. I realized the kind of love it was. It wasn’t the kind where we would ever be together, but it was still the kind that would last forever in my heart. I forgive you for not loving me the way I wanted when I did believe I wanted to be with you and be in love with you.
To the second love of my life, you were the classic bad boy chasing after what you wanted even though it didn’t belong to you. I forgive you for chasing after and stringing me along. I thank you for loving me enough not to push me when we knew in our hearts my gift wasn’t for you. Even after I hurt you, thank you for respecting me after all those years enough to be there when I needed and know what I deserved.
Truthfully, my heart always believed in you and your character. That’s why I loved you so much. You had so much patience to wait for us to be ready for each other. Maybe we waited too long or maybe we expect that love will find a way for us still. I need you to know I am no longer going to wait. I have let you go. Still part of me will always appreciate you in my heart.
I forgive the boy I did give my first real love to. The boy I knew that if he broke my heart, I would never have to see again. He still loved me even though he was gone from my life, but I forgive him for leaving at all.
To the love I gave hardest and most to, I forgive you. I forgive you for how you reacted in pain. I forgive you for not being able to handle my pain. I forgive you for changing. I forgive you for hurting me, really hurting me and cutting deep. I forgive you for growing and for “setting fire to my forest.” I’m deeply and truly sorry to you. I also forgive you because as much as you pretend you aren’t sorry; I know that you are.
As these loves evanesce from my heart long gone from my life, acknowledging that what needed to happen happened to get me here; to the place I was meant to be. It got me to the place I needed to love myself and to find someone who loves me.
By now I know that I’m not perfect, but I also know that despite how painful some things are, we can choose to learn from those things; mistakes and old loves. We can choose to accept that some things happen for the best. Sometimes we must get rid of things that once gave us love, fuel, and fulfillment when they’re just hurting us now.
Maybe that feels like losing a piece of yourself, but before you can find something you first have to lose it. So yes, sometimes you have to lose love to find love, lose yourself to find yourself, lose your mind to find peace of mind, lose balance to find balance, lose control to find control.
I needed to lose all of you to find love for myself and with another. “Now the chapter is closed and done. Now it’s goodbye, it’s goodbye for us.” Now the dawn of my everlasting season can begin.
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