It doesn’t make me feel good being that rush anymore. If I say, “I’m not looking for something serious,” there’s a lot of honesty behind that. I shouldn’t have to reiterate, over and over, to myself, or anyone that doesn’t treat me right, that, “I deserve better.” If it makes me feel bad, then it’s not good for me. “You don’t have to lose yourself to find happiness you know.” Bly Manor
I know this contradicts my last entry, but I have a firm belief that when things contradict, both concepts can still coexist. When anything in my life diverges, I understand that’s what happens to maintain balance.
I’m a human. I am beautiful. I don’t particularly enjoy "tooting my own horn" which makes me humble. I am very insecure too. I’m imperfect and I always try to do the right things. Still, my judgement is not always the best which can probably be wildly proven by Ashley.
I feel. (Such a cancerous thing to say)
I am allowed to have infatuations and desires that make me human. I am allowed to persue said feelings despite my bravery being timid. I am allowed to make mistakes. I am allowed to express what I feel. All of that being said, I am a perfect balance of what I am meant to be and constantly still metamorphing.
I’m allowed to peruse a non-superficial connection with someone I feel drawn to. Attaining a connection doesn’t mean there has to be labels and it doesn’t have to be terrifying for either party. Something deep can exist without requiring normative stereotypes, societal expectations, standards, and traditions. “Do we realize when we’re in the glue? When the water around us is boiling? Or do we sit there saying this will be okay?” Bly Manor
I do not like the way I feel when I am a mere shell to someone; a pretty face to look at; a rush to mute and set aside for the next feeling of being lonely. I do not like making others feel that way and, though, I have had many shitty moments as a despicable human, all I can do is heal, change, and keep morphing until I am able to start saying…
No.
It’s one little word that can remove so much toxicity from your life. It’s a word that can overcome your addictions; a word that can make you stronger. It’s a word that could be an incredible milestone and doesn’t have to be a negative. Two negatives make a positive right? So, say no to the negativity poisoning your life.
That way when there is someone that deserves you for the chaotically beautiful, imperfectly balanced human that you are, you’ll have a “perfectly splendid,” use of the word, yes.
“There’s a difference between feeling good and feeling alive.” Bly Manor
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