Whether or not this is for my romantic life, my personal life, or for anyone reading this, I felt compelled to share a piece of myself.
I have four reserves which I categorize as emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual. I thrive to maintain balance and feel completely unfulfilled whenever that balance is disrupted. Perhaps that makes me complex. Maybe I'm actually simple with a complex façade in my own little world with trouble translating.
I want all the delightful pleasures, luxuries and necessities of life. I want the love life, the career, the looks, the social life, the ethics, genuine bonds, confidence, and humility all wrapped into a perfect nautilus. "Fire with the right amount of ice." (Kate Rose)
Never again do I want to be vulnerable, nor do I want to be a villain. Rather I want to be a chaotic good bruja, affecting people with real magic, that leaves marks like the witness marks of a grandfather clock.
The truth remains, I'm no different than so many beautiful beings out there with their own magic. Still, "Everyone has a gift," someone once told me in a midnight's slumber or an intoxicated dream. Whenever I feel balanced and when my reserves are full, I feel compelled to share what makes me entranced by this life. I may have trouble connecting or communicating, but nights like these I feel like my needs are simple.
I've discovered that fulfillment of my reserves happens cyclically. I go through a cycle of socializing which leads me to feel drained to the point I desire being introverted at home. This helps me clear my mind, but isolates me to the point I become lonely. I then yearn for companionship, but I also feel recharged enough to work headstrong towards my career and life ambitions. When things go well I feel balanced enough to handle emotional emission. I free myself from my lonliness by socializing with friends also in hopes of coming across a romantic connection. Then I'm on to the next feeling of being drained by over socializing thus reiterating my cycle.
I have the need to socialize; to satisfy being young spontaneous, beautiful, wild, free spirited, and driven by impulse. Evolution gears the desire for me to be a woman and attract a man, but trumping that is my itch to flood confidence for myself. Perhaps that translates through drunken hazes in night clubs, creating bittersweet memories of hypnotic dancing in sync of others also washing away the dust of every day life. It could also be painted by impulsive, lustrous adventuring, traveling, and exploring the cities, rivers, lakes, beaches, and woods of this beautiful earth. I'm usually up for anything if there will be company because I love finding the beauty in humans too.
My company is the coven that I've gathered along the way. We're each under social spells to cure our own individual needs. We know one another. we praise one another, and we can relate to each other. We're all lively, beautiful, unique, and amplify each others' gifts. We stick together because we realize we are better together than we are damaging one another to get ahead like others have done to us before. We found each other and thrive in our happier better lives, seeking fulfillment, and making it is easier to never look back.
Under a social spell I get physical release and become emotionally unwound. It numbs me mentally, but completely awakens me spiritually. The result can become physically exhausting between overworking and over-socializing. I feel anguished and drained. I become disconnected to the point I seek to heal and rest my mental and physical reserves through a spiritual connection with myself in the solace of my own home. It's the safe haven I've created to escape the world and better prepare my emotions for what's out there. Self love is one of the greatest forms of love and mine was conjured under an introverted spell. With the help of bath elixirs, my personal grimoire, my beasts of the night, Fawkes and Toothless, herbs of the earth, intoxicating potions, and various nightly rituals, I've learned to feel captivated in myself and who I strive to be.
It seems almost cliché at this point to write about self love, but I've built the greatest strength and success in my life from this lesson. Perhaps you have to allow your ego to take control a little, to gear yourself towards that. If you're not used to feeling that ego, try. One of the bravest things I've ever done is realizing my value and potential. I'm an insecure, timid person that has an excess of creativity and passion. I've often been shy to outlet my creativity in fear of being too harshly judged. This is also true about my fear of showing love, emotions, or my body (things ranging from the metaphysical to the physical).
When I allow myself to see what my loved ones see in me, my life has so much more value because I'm not living off the opinions I have of myself. People can be stubborn beings unwilling to let love in times it comes knocking. Whatever your circumstances may be, there are so many things to focus your love on in yourself (to start), in others, and in the world. If all you can manage is enough love for yourself to survive, then that's okay. You know your desires and your basic needs. That's a good start.
Admittedly, there are plenty qualities of myself which I don't love, but there are plenty I love despite the rest. That's where I began and that seed grew how I felt about everything else around me. My mind is a completely different entity than everyone else's, so I am only as good as I see myself. That is what is true to you. That is your word and if you are impeccable to your truth/word then you can be impervious to bystanding doubt.
Family abandonment, you've got you covered. Relationship trauma, you can love you better than they can. Broken friendships, there's only room for one main character in your life and that is you. Even if the supporting roles are crucial to your story, this life is your own. It should be encouraged that it is safe to love yourself because when you become impartial to hatred and negativity directed at you it's harder to get hurt. It is brave to put your love out into the world.
As timid as I am, that's where my bravery lies. When my reserves are spilling over following an introverted spell, I crave to outlet them by seeking love or companionship. That could be translated through my work, through my social life, or seeking a companion along the way to bring into the little world I have created for myself. Thus that leads me back to the cycle which brings my life balance.
Whenever I exert hatred or toxicity, that usually means there is hatred or bitterness within me poisoning me. I know I may thrive to realize my value, but I also realize times when I'm off balance. If I'm deeply hurting emotionally or mentally, I will most likely socialize impulsively. Rarely do I desire being home to ponder my feelings or thoughts without the ability to understand them. Even when I'm unhindered by my loneliness, I still feel anguish if I've spent too much time being introverted.
If my reserves were elements I would categorize my spiritual reserve as air. Specifically it would be a warm summer nights breeze, or warm rain in a summer storm where the petrichor is heavily intoxicating.
My physical reserve would be the earth where all matter and mass exist; where I can walk through the night, through a forest, or beyond falls; where I can eat and drink of the earth's nourishments; or where I can admire the stars and moon in the night sky.
Always dueling between water and fire are my mental and emotional reserves. I could drown in my emotions after loving with a fire from the depths of my heart. My emotions have the destructive tendencies of water either rushing in, or seeping through the cracks, but they burn true like a fire so beautiful and pure.
Alternatively my mind can be chaos. It's destructive capabilities compare more to a fire acting quickly, alarmingly, and familiar to the "this is fine" meme. It's tendencies come in waves though, ebbing and flowing; only truly boiling when my triggers are fired. Otherwise my mind is usually very calming and soothing having perspectives beyond the sea.
Bruja I may be, yet I truly desire a love free of spells and potions. Magic, yes, but more of the kind that the universe came from. Phenomenal, indescribable, but also natural. When love comes knocking, though, I am one of the stubborn beings unwilling to let it in. I'm very reluctant. I put up walls and boundaries because I'm terrified to compromise my balance or deplete my reserves; a construct of love that I am all too familiar with.
I used to think that when I achieved impervious self love, then, and only then, would I be able to succeed where love had failed before. That is a realm, however, I am still exploring. Should my love not suffice extending beyond for myself, at least I know what of it was real.
I hate to be one of those "humans, drunk on the idea that love, only love can heal our brokenness, (F.S. Fitzgerald) but I feel in my bones that “to lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced life.” (Elizabeth Gilbert) I have yet to find whatever magic will heal my brokenness so that I'll be willing to let love back in.
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