I was recommended a book I would describe as a mindful self-help book, called the Four Agreements. Though, there were a lot of valid points about how to resolve internal hate and confusion within yourself or personal relationships, the agreements are complex to start. Going about enforcing the agreements I didn’t feel would be an easy task.
The first and most important agreement is being impeccable to your word. Every human has their own biases that make up who they identify as. We learn reading the Four Agreements to relate the word “bias” to the “fog,” “mist,” or what the Toltec call, “mitote.” (mih-toe-tay)
The mitote is based on what we are told by those we love, trust, or seek approval from. Your “word” is based on the truest belief system of who you are as a person. It is your book of laws, your moral codes, belief system, and behavior that exists without the mitote confusing your identity. You live impeccable to your word when you live your life impervious to the mitote.
I set out on a journey to live impeccably to my word. I was challenged with confusion trying to decipher the fog from the truth of who I am. I still got hurt along the way, which according to living by the four agreements, shouldn’t be possible. Who I am, or have been, also challenged the beliefs and standards of those I look for approval most. Still, this was reassuring because I knew that my word was my own and not a result of me trying to please anyone. Maybe I can be unconventional, but I often feel times where I must be true to who I am even if it’s not in favor of anyone but myself.
I lose my way getting in and out of this self-loving relationship. I reach a point of deep fulfillment in all the things that make me who I am. Perhaps I just have this evolutionary need to share my love to whoever wants to receive it, but no mater how satisfied I am alone, I yearn for more. Whatever the cause to my yearning may be, I become insecure. I get impatient, discouraged, and lonely if you will. It brings up a lot of questions to the word I must be impeccable to. I question which practices in my life are habits that I’m too stubborn to break, or if believing that I’m fine just how I am is enough. I do aim to improve but try not to take it too personally when progress is slow. Then I find solace right where I am until I’m surrounded by the next storm of self-doubt and insecurity.
It’s probably cliché how forceful I am promoting self-love. I would love to contribute my energy positively influencing others based on what I’ve been through. That doesn’t necessarily require raging for attention. Part of my insecurities and confusion is a result of seeking not attention, but approval that whatever word I live impeccably to is “right.” That’s probably why there’s value in the other agreements. Don’t take anything personally, don’t make assumptions, and always do your best.
What I learned about my word is that I seek love. I try my best to let all that I do be done with love and good intention. I would like not relying on seeking approval of others. I suppose I have trouble resolving that because, though it is improving, my relationship with myself is confusing in general. Either way, I become part of this cycle of self-discovery that I love, to questioning what my word is, trying to live true to my word all while not becoming too bored or comfortable that I yearn to be more than just a “candle in the wind.” Mariner's Apartment Complex by Lana Del Rey or one of the songs that has been my latest obsession and a reminder to be my own redemption.
I’m not sure how interested I am to live my life by the four agreements. I took what I needed from reading the book and never even finished. I do feel there is incredible importance in realizing your word to be impeccable to. There is always a core to gravitate to whether there were biases that influenced those values or not. Whatever makes your core, it should be enough to bring you back to the light in the darkest storms. That’s why self-love is so important. Losing your way and finding your own way back is self-love.
When people mistake your kindness for weakness; the heart you have pinned to your sleeve for weakness; your vulnerability to seek wholeness, purpose, release, and value, even if it’s in unconventional ways, for weakness, if loving yourself is genuine and the love you put out into the world is genuine, then none of what others believe should matter. We have this need as humans, something that I feel connects us, to find purpose, fulfillment, or approval, that we are worthy. I cannot lie that in feeling sadness, loss, confusion, feeling that “darkness the deepness” are things that also make me who I am. People take that sadness out of context and perhaps might even label me as broken or unworthy. “Can’t a girl just do the best she can?”
And I am doing the best I can. I came to the revelation that living impeccably to my word is the best way to save me. If that draws only love from myself then I must learn to be patient for more to follow. I should only settle for what takes a deep breath and fully takes me in. Who I am that I want someone to take in is contradiction and coexistence. A calm grey cold day, but also the “lightning the thunder, kind of girl who’s going to make you wonder ”who I am and where I’ve been. “The darkness the deepness,” and a “heart burning in the distance.”
Not born to be fucking easy, but a light to be drawn to. Beauty within and without the chaos of the fire that you fear. The knowing that I can drown you with the truth that you may not be worthy of my love. Still, I have to say, even though I may go looking for it, the idea I get drunk on isn’t me whispering softly the sound of your name on my moist lips, but actually the roaring declaration of my name on yours.
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