I have cats. They cover my comforter in their hair. I’m a chubby girl and I have stretchmarks on my body I bet you’d hate. I’d rather get my life together before I focus on working out. It seems there are a lot of things I continually have to work on so maybe you’ll think I am just making excuses. Maybe you’ll think that because I have a lot going on or because of my past I don’t have my shit together. I perceive strong women as women who have their life in order, which is not me, therefore how could you think I’m a strong representation of a woman.
I have a past which I am not proud of and I bet you wouldn’t like my past either. I’m very shy at first but, in all honesty, I am a huge goofball. My family can confirm. I’m very close with my family and I tend to overshare with them and my friends. I’m an open and honest person which makes me feel closer to the people I confide in. You may not be comfortable with how much I share with them. Perhaps you wouldn’t like that I tend to do this for therapy instead of seeking actual help which you may think would be more effective for what I need in my life.
I still like to go out dancing on bars and stages with my friends. I still like to go to concerts. I like to indulge a lot on various things. Food, wine, beer, sex etc. You might think me immature or irresponsible. I wouldn’t say that I have a substance problem, but yes I have made bad choices using substances. I have made bad choices not using substances. I was married, I have been a bad person, I have been a bad friend, I have been a bad significant other. I have been a bad pet owner. I have had bad habits. I still have habits that I consider bad for me. I can be an ugly crier. I can be mean, envious, and throw self pity parties. I can be very obnoxious. I can be shallow. I can be selfish. I’d love to do things you like, but I don’t know if I’d like to do them as much as you’d like to.
I talk a lot and could be better at listening/paying attention to what you really say. I have a short attention span. I over think. Sometimes things I say come out offensive when I don’t mean them to or when I mean to say something else. I’ve been told that I don’t communicate well. I assume way too much. I interrupt. I’m ditsy. I’m forgetful.
The truth is there is probably a lot of things that you wouldn’t like about me and you most likely will use the excuse that “I’m not your type.”
I am extremely loving so much so that despite my insecurities, I know that I don’t need to be with someone to be okay. I love myself enough to know that there is nothing wrong with me. Not on the surface at least which, let’s be honest, compatibility is shallow off the bat. Someone once told me that real love is the messy kind where you don’t see the honeymoon, ooey gooey things every day and still stick around for the rainy days;
…when you hate cats, but she loves them; through all of the phases of weight gains and losses; through all of the insecurities; through all the confessions of the past or through all the overshares; through all the ups and downs, through all of the unclassy drunk moments; through all of the bad, all the addictions, all of the many polar opposite behaviors as they come and go; beyond the shallow levels of needing to have a perfect body; through every indulgence, annoyance, and through every miscommunication.
Even deeper than that love is sticking around for times that are out of our control. Love is being by your side through the health conditions, through the losses, through the traumas. Sometimes love is realizing you’re the problem. Love is trying to change for the ones you love if you’re hurting them. Love is knowing when it’s time to let go because you just can’t change to make things work anymore. Love is loving from afar if you have to and rooting from the sidelines for things to change for the better.
I previously wrote about loving from afar. In my loneliness tonight I’ve come to realize deeper value in that virtue. Sometimes we need the time away and with ourselves to grow. One can find solace in their loneliness. Despite my flaws and insecurities, in the time I have been single I have learned so much about myself that is lovable and desirable about me. I have plenty of good people in my life that know this; even people that have had to distance themselves from my flaws to better themselves. I too have had to distance myself from some of those loved ones. If it’s real, though, even in time you will find your way back to the ones you are really meant to love.
So, if you’re reading this and you find that I am not suitable for you, then I’ll wait. Not necessarily for you, but for whoever is willing to be in my life and accept me for the perfectly flawed woman I am; to venture deeper than the shallow surface; to be patient for me to open up; to enjoy the rainy days with me.
Commentaires