I was thirteen when I began self-harm. I was twenty-four when I stopped. I am twenty-five now and haven’t relapsed for almost a year. Mental health is so challenging to obtain; when we are taught it is easier for quick food than healthy food; when we are not taught to cope; when we are not taught to face real life challenges when they happen; when it seems like you are unwillingly alone.
My experience of mental health has been a vast spectrum. My mind is so well, wild, free spirited, and other times I can’t fathom a breath of air. It seems like socializing becomes difficult since when I feel unwell, I feel vulnerable. I don’t want to be in a state of vulnerability when I go out into the world because anything could happen. I could have another car accident; I could fall in love and have my heart broken again; I could fall apart in front of people again; I could get scorned by a stranger; crisis could befall me or the people I care about which would be out of my control. We cannot control any of the above things. We cannot foretell our lives. Why worry over things you aren’t sure are even going to happen? Because biologically and physically, we can’t always control how we think or feel.
That is a part of being individual. Maybe it feels like we are alone because we are all individual and we are all unique. Or maybe it feels the opposite, maybe it feels like it doesn’t matter; that too many people are alike; that there isn’t anything special about you.
I don’t entirely want to share my whole story and that is okay. When I am ready, I will get to that. The consequences of my self harm ended up hurting people I cared about. The consequences of my decisions also influenced loved ones’ mental health. I can’t be blamed for that, for guilt is a rabbit hole of its own, but I hold myself accountable for not coping in a way that was healthier for myself.
There are plenty of ways to cope that are healthy. That is not something we are bluntly taught. I was forced to get help. I always knew it was needed, but it got to the point where I was forced to. When I did it was one of the best changes that happened in my life. Living free of guilt, living free of pain, being able to understand that I could start fresh, and that my mental state as a response to what I had lived was out of my control. Receiving mental help proved that I do have control over my response to things that are out of my control.
I realized I owed it to my loved ones and the love I grew for myself to move on from those methods. Part of life is allowing change. Part of growth is allowing change. Part of pain and agony is fighting growth and change. Letting go of happy moments is terrifying, but there will be more to come. There will be difficult times too but having your shit together doesn’t mean that you prevent yourself from so called failing or falling. It doesn’t mean that you have everything you’ve ever wanted. Having your shit together is landing on your feet or picking yourself back up after the fall. Having your shit together is responding in a way that is healthy, not reacting in a way that isn’t. Having your shit together is knowing that no matter what situation your life is in, you matter.
So, I learned: I am not alone. Even if I have no one that totally relates to what I have been through, there are so many people that struggle too. I do have many loved ones and though we share commonalities, we are still unique individuals. So, I own my differences: I own being individual and being alone when I have the chance to cope healthily. I have found peace of mind in being alone. It isn’t even coping anymore…It is growing. Still, I love spending time with my loved ones all the same because they too are special.
Your loved ones can care, relate, and help. If you feel like you are alone, a complete stranger also can care. A complete stranger also can relate. A complete stranger also can help. Some make it their occupation to. Some offer free resources to. Mental health is of prime importance. If ever you feel in the dark, you’ll see things in such a different light when you speak up, use the resources available, and reach the gratifying state of a healthy mind. If you ever tried; try again. At least you can say you tried and kept trying. Some people don’t even try and if you ever thought about suicide; think again.
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