Trying to normalize my life after my world turned upside-down was my main goal over the last few years. Every cliché thing that could have gone wrong did. Throughout it all I was trying to leech on to the version of myself I was so comfortable with vs challenging my comfort to reach the turning point my life really needed.
While my heart raged, and the partying (definitely the partying) I have finally found peace in being a beautiful broken girl. I may not be perfect and perhaps my imagination of perfection is unattainable, but I know in seeking wholeness I’m headed in the right direction.
Perhaps I need to let go of being hopeless romantic. It kept me in a toxic relationship longer than I should have allowed and seems to be a toxic trait in my life now as well. If curing the idea “that love, only love can heal my brokenness,” can help me realize what I’m not willing to settle for, maybe then, I can see more of my value. (F. Scott Fitzgerald)
That may be disheartening, however, 2021 not only brought me loss, but it also brought me recovery. I felt heartache as well as joy. I also felt loneliness and comfort all in one year. While progress is slow, I still gained and grew. Despite knowing in my heart that I’m doing alright and that I shouldn’t go looking for what is meant to find me, I can’t help feeling like something is still missing.
Whatever the obsession is that keeps me searching for that missing piece, in 2022 I want to revel in what I still have left of the fun, carefree, loving person I still have raging in me. That part of me, I’m not looking to change any time soon. One of the lessons I learned to reach peace of mind is that, “feeling happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time,” is completely normal.
I am ready to learn more about who I am. I’d like to be more confident in myself. I’d like to decide what I really want in a partner. I want to wake-up completely content to have just enough room for myself and my fur babes. I want to look in the mirror and see the admiration for myself I covet so badly for someone to see in me. I want to indulge in every single lonely moment to learn and grow.
I want to completely be passionate of everything I’m working towards. I don’t need to be less or more. Maybe I believe I’m looking for love when really, I’m just looking for affection to validate my insecurities. Maybe it is more that I have an evolutionary itch to cure my loneliness in addition to sexual tension. Once that is more embedded in my mind, there wouldn’t be such a stigma I hold against myself for not owning a house yet; for not being in a happy relationship or not having children; for my dream job being just out of my reach.
I enjoy late nights. I enjoy feeling the high of good friends and new places. I forever feel compelled to travel and see the world and people for the beauty there is still left in it. I care less about money and attention than I do happiness and affection and I hope to keep it that way. There is so much beauty within and without that my soul admires and appreciates on a cellular level. I strive to be a part of that. I love indulging. I love telling myself “treat yoself,” when I get a win or had a lose. I try to be kinder to myself and tell myself nice things which is something I hope everyone does.
I do miss enjoying a nice head of hair to run my fingers through. I miss being so eager to tell someone the craziest things that happened to me today. I miss that no matter what, there was still something new that each of us didn’t know about one another. I miss enjoying being challenged to enjoy things I am not typically keen to. I miss laying in the dew covered grass, staring at the night sky any time of year and not having to wish I had someone to mesmerize with. I dream to hear the soft whisper of "What are you doing Justine? Learning about the stars," chill the back of my neck. (After)
22’ might be about slow change and being single. It may be about heartache, sad songs, and being miserable. Still I’m going to be seeking people to do drunk karaoke with and doing terribly at bowling. I will go to a concert this year. If I have to scare my pants off or go to Fritzler’s and haunted houses myself this year I will. I won’t just dream about going to the drive in more than once, I will. I’m going to go to the catch the glow parade in Estes, hot tub on a sultry late night evening in the frigid winter air, listening to Lovers by Anna of the North from To All of the Boys I Love Before even if I am the only one that night that catches the glow. Since my favorite past time from my upbringing is the Stampede, I’ll ride the night on the ferris wheel dreaming to find my Noah. I'll watch fire light up the sky in a special place with special people whether or not I have someone there for me.
I’ll also know when to stop. I’ll know when something is or isn’t worth my time. I’ll know when “he looks like bad news and I gotta have you," or if he's more "you don't know about me but I'll bet you want to.
New Years 2022 will be the "perfect night to dress like hipsters and make fun of our exes...for breakfast at midnight, and to fall in love with strangers." If it so happens that "we ditch the whole scene and end up dreaming instead of sleeping," even if it's for just one night "everything will be all right if you keep me next to you."
22, Taylor Swift
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