“In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must also be present.” -Francis Bacon
My heart tells me not to settle. Of course, that’s not what anyone should do. My body speaks a different language. My eyes are full of desire and my desires are shallow like the reality I live in. I know my heart is humble and modest. I know beneath my physical self and emotional confusion is certainty in who I am.
I worked extremely hard to stay true to my morals and beliefs. I have had to evolve those things as I grew into a woman from a young naive girl.
There are so many things that cannot be helped. We can’t change what other people think, feel, do, or how they react. Often, we can’t change that in ourselves, despite the battle between sense and emotion.
Within the hurricane of unbalance, of contradiction, confusion, and chaos is an eye; a core.
The core of my being is what has gotten me this far and is what will get me to what I am truly meant for despite my internal battles.
Speaking for myself:
My hurricane began as a teenager. While my world swarmed around me and while my heart and body converged, I found beauty in writing. I found beauty in dreaming, though, I was told those dreams were unreachable; and maybe now I realize they are.
I was and am a hopeless romantic. (life=love) I recognized the boys that acknowledged my significance vs the ones that only acknowled my body. I realize now that they were all just boys and nothing more.
As I grew, I learned how to channel through my storms. This was no easy task.
Within the hurricane of my adulthood I was swept away in a storm of love and in that storm, I lost sight of who I was.
In my intoxication of love, my purpose set fire. I was entranced and didn’t think I needed to grow for myself. I was in a paradise that poisoned my ambitions.
I grew ill from losing sight of my purpose, so I woke myself from that dream, or rather by the end it was a nightmare.
I struggle reminding myself that love is merely a single cog in the wheel of life; so is desire, anger, sadness, despair, joy, and euphoria. There is an entire spectrum which swarms around one core. Life itself.
I believe the purpose of life is just to live; to be alive despite the ups, downs and inside outs.
So…
Despite what I believed as a girl, the girl who wanted to be loved so bad, finally finding love conformed my beliefs.
I lost balance in someone who wasn’t willing to upset their balance for me; or maybe our scales just were never even. Maybe one of us could balance much better the downs as well as the ups.
Regardless, love being the purpose of life conflagrated my world.
I had to reintroduce myself to…
Myself.
I think we always need something to ground us after trauma. In every storm we need a lighthouse.
Love for a while was my lighthouse, but my ambition like a hurricane has equally wanted to be strong and independent as it has been to have someone to love me for just that. No, I am not a perfect navigator of my life, nor am I a perfect lover, but I am perfectly…
me.
When I love something, I replay it over and over and never get my fill. In my heart is a place for all the things that ever moved me or shaped me. I’m still a hopeless romantic, but I know it isn’t pure love unless someone can love me more than I love myself for every goddamn reason that I am worth being alive.
Even though I dream of offering my love to another, I know it’s because I have a lot of love to give. I know I have a lot of love to give because I know my value and significance in deserving to love myself and all the storm that surrounds my being.
So when love failed to love me more or equally to how I loved myself, I knew there was more to life than just love, there is heartache and fear, but life is worth living through the storm. Without love as your lighthouse and beacon, existing with other emotions to guide you is just enough to get you through.
That’s how I survived my storms. That’s how I comfort myself through pain and rejection.
I recognize the beautiful people that know their own significance; I recognize the beautiful friends and loved ones that know my significance. I see the way they adore me and love me so it should influence how I feel about myself. I hope how I feel and treat them influences how they feel about themselves.
Above all, the hopeless romantic in me will recognize the boys that only acknowledge my body and how they are just boys and nothing more vs the men that acknowledge the significance of me, my storms, my eyes, my core, my life, me.
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