It’s nothing new that I love baths. After any challenging day, I could sit in the tub for hours. There is always something so soothing of the heat detoxing my stress. Baths are also a way of recharging my energy and femininity.
With baths I felt impervious to the many troubles I endured. Spending three years without a tub for therapy, I was challenged with so much. More than one of my worlds shattered.
It was the result of choosing to be happy, the result of choosing to be healthier, and choosing to accept the things about myself which I never could love that damned the world I loved most; the world that I held most dear to my heart.
The cost for these necessary changes was high so I must remind myself now that the storm has settled, though still raging in my heart, that I did the right things. When I was able to start taking baths again, there was a part of me in so much pain that baths weren’t quite what they used to be. I was constantly drowning in my buried pain. Only some of that pain seeped out.
I don’t know if it was because of my desire to wear resolve like a crown portraying triumph of my battles to my loved ones, that I failed to really face what I went through, or if it just hasn’t been enough time to heal. Regardless, cradling my thighs to my chest in the tub, drowning in my pain and many insecurities, like the flicker of a candle, I was suddenly reminded of how I’d gotten there. I’d gotten there because I chose the love of myself over an amazing love which shall never be quite as great as the love I needed to have for myself.
So yes, it was an extremely difficult decision, but no, our love was not a waste. For I will be moved by it for decades to come. It shall help set standards for how I need to love myself and how I deserve to be treated.
Even though in the end I was scarred traumatically, because I was unable to relate to the pain I had caused my significant other, I hope and know that one day we will both feel grateful.
I will always know what I had to do to become a stronger braver woman, a healthier human. I chose to provide love and nourishment to my body when I had been harming it for a decade.
I battled my mental health, I battled my insecurities, I battled the pain and trauma of old wounds. I battled my lover. I knew in my heart what I needed to do and resolved so many of my nightmares. Though, I was faced with new nightmares and new insecurities, I reminded myself of the courage I had then. I reminded myself of the rewards I’d gained in seeking deeper sanity. I reminded myself of the patient and growing love for myself which I never had before.
Though these things are forgotten at times, usually when faced with lost loves in the arms of other women, I’m reminded that I chose independence. I chose happiness. I chose what was right even though it hurts watching them do wrong, and when they do wrong to me. Sometimes the right decisions are far from the easiest. That doesn’t ever make the easier decision easy.
My intent was pure, my actions were fair.
So, I returned my metaphorical crown to my head, leaned back against the cool porcelain and let myself rejuvenate in the heat that temporarily washed away my insecurities.
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